by Jynks on Fri Jul 09, 2004 7:59 pm
Superman??? My GOD.. here is a old review I made of Superman for fileheaven...
Well JEEZUS H CHRIST'S FESTY TESTES!!!!!!!
I've just watched Superman 1 "special edition" And I was gobsmacked to discover that it was truly unwatchable. Seriously, I had't been that bored since I tried to watch the Star Wars Holiday Special sober.
Total Goonies effect - that being the effect of watching a movie you loved as a kid only to discover that it is in fact a steaming pile of mad woman's shit on a urine soaked cardigan complete with a cheesy winking Koala bear in an akubra hat motif.
Absolutely nothing happens. 1hr28min into the movie "Superman" has achieved the following:
1) Given us a bit of full frontal child pornography work as he climbs out of his space ship
2) Outrun a train in an embarrassingly laughable manner achieved by the wizard like technical effect of lifting him in the air by his underpants, getting him to thrash his legs a bit and hitting the fast forward button on the remote.
3) Caught a robber
4) Rescued a pussycat from a tree
5) Caught another robber
6) Gone on a date
That's it. Ok. So his planet explodes and he catches a helicopter...but yawn on.
Mario Puzo is a total hack. And anyone who disagrees should read the following exerpt from the movie.
I'll set the scene. I'm fucking bored. And Lois and Superman are falling in love.
This is when Superman takes Lois (possibly played by the world's ugliest leading lady EVER) on a joyflight. During said flight of love, Lois thinks aloud some "poetry" in a really slow, coma inducing delivery style.
Please enjoy AN ODE TO SUPERMAN by Mario Puzo, shit author and talentless idiot, as read by Margo Kidder, poor fool doomed to play the character of Lois Lane.
Can you read my mind?
Do you know what it is that you do to me?
I don't know who you are
Just a friend from another star
(I'm not joking....this scene goes for about 15mins...hang on it gets worse)
Here I am like a kid out of school
holding hands with a God
I am a fool
will you look at me
Quivering
like a little girl shivering
You can see right through me
Can you read my mind?
Can you picture the things I'm thinking of?
Wondering why you are all the wonderful things that you are
You can fly!!!!
You belong in the sky
You and I belong to each other
If you need a friend
I'm the one to fly to
If you need to be loved
Here I am
read my mind.
Holy fuck. I think I prefer Fabio's poetry. No wonder Margo Kidder hit the bottle, went nuts and spent the better part of a decade tied to a chair in a padded room. You can really see the strain taking its toll on the poor woman. By the end of the film, the metaphorical lobotomy she's been through has given her the appearnace of a women who's taken a few marital lessons from Mike Tyson.
Now my mate... bought this dvd...I have to ask, did he actually watch it? I sat there in a state of shock. He told me that he thought this film was a) good and b) better than the sequel.
Well, my friend, allow me to leave the final say to my dear old mother
"Mike's taste is in his bum"
My mum.
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